Current State of Mind…

Thursday, February 16th.

I was feeling pretty crappy the night before, not totally sure why, but wasn’t surprised since these feelings literally come and go as tides these days. But what i did do was decide to go into work on Thursday, later than normal. I literally never do that unless necessary. So the fact that i was willingly doing this…was surprising to me as well.

Anyways, that morning on Thursday i decided to stop by my usual Starbucks on the way to work, but went inside to get my drink + breakfast. Another thing i never do. But i figured since i was going to work late, i would treat myself to a normal breakfast.

I sat down with my breakfast and had 1 piece of lined paper with me and a pen, and i just began writing. Whatever I was thinking and feeling, I just wrote it all down. No particular reason, i just wanted to get it out there and i hoped it would  ease some of the anxiety and overwhelming feelings i was having from the prior night.

I finished my meal and drove onto work. It was a day like any other really, except around 10 am or so – at that point i think my subconscious was in some real overtime mode and i didn’t really feel it until it literally came crashing at around 10 am. I ran to the bathroom (which was luckily empty at the time!), got into a stall, and just started to silently bawl.

I was having a mini-panic attack and couldn’t control my tears for a solid 5 minutes or so. I took some deep breaths and tried to calm myself down, because i heard some ladies walk into the bathroom and i didn’t want to be overheard. I waited till the bathroom was empty again and took some more deep breaths and went to the sink and attempted to calm myself even more. I probably spent a good 10-15 minutes in there, but once my eyes were finally not so red, i made it back to my desk.

For awhile i was contemplating asking my boss if i could just leave and take a personal day or tell her i wasn’t feeling well, i ended up doing neither. Somehow by 11 am, i forced myself into my work and it was successful in getting my mind off of everything.

The day went on, and i was silent most of it, and just kept to myself. I then also stayed a little late at work by maybe 5 minutes or so, than i normally leave. And boy do i wish i had left early. Without going into too much detail, i got into an accident on my way home from work that day. It was around 5 pm. At first, i was dazed once my car got hit. The tears came again, and i couldn’t understand how i was already having a crappy day and it just got even worse.

Anyways, i don’t really want to go into details of it here but after a few hours, i finally made it home. Currently car-less but thankfully for my family’s cars and other means coming through for time being.

It was a rough day to say the least. Probably one of the worst i’ve had in a long long time. It was crazy afterwards, since no one besides me knew of my little meltdown in the bathroom, that on top of that an accident had to happen as well. I ended up taking the next day, Friday off of work, and my team was helpful and understanding given the situation with the accident.

---

What caused the panic-attack in the bathroom? Why was i feeling the way i was? Why did i decide to go into work late that exact day, and then get hit on my way home? What did i want? SO many questions and i don’t know if i have the answers to it all.

This thing we call life is a crazy thing. We see people with ‘so much’ (money, status, home, family, friends, health, etc.) and they either are or seem to be happy. We see others with ‘not a lot’, who are the same; happy or perhaps not. Why do we as humans never seem to be fulfilled regardless of how much or how little we have? Why are we constantly craving more? I always ask myself this, most of the time don’t come up with answers and shove the thoughts to the side of my brain and carry on.

I don’t want to sound ungrateful at all in any way. Because i know how blessed i am to be living the life i have. I thank God for it everyday. But lately there is something that just keeps bothering me and it is basically surrounding this work-life + school + where i just am in life.

Lately i’ve constantly been wondering why i feel like a robot and have come close to contemplating that maybe i need to change jobs or wishing that i was just doing something more fun and creative with my day job. It’s hilarious to think now, that when i was in high school, i dreamed of a 9-5 corporate America job. Literally dreamed. Craved. It was the reason i went into college and studied Business. And i love what i studied, i wouldn’t change that ever. But i’m sad that it made me a slave shackled to my desk all day everyday and where i live for the weekends. If there are any youngins’ out there – just know that you will become like this as well if you want to work that traditional 9-5 life.

The other issue is, that i can’t imagine not working the 9-5 life. I like a lot of structure to my life and daily activity – so that is what a regular job provides. But i’m also feeling super lost and bored with it, and what holds me back? Fear of change. I really do like my current job, company, team, boss, environment for most part. I know that if i was unhappy with any or all of this – i would look for a new job in a heartbeat. That is what i did after my first job – to get to this current/second job of mine. But the comfort i have where i am currently, is holding me back from even applying or seeking a new opportunity.

After this accident, my mom is now even suggesting that i look for something new, something closer to home. I have a long commute – almost hour each way – and it literally drains me. I’ve been doing it for 2 years now , so i can say i’m used to it, but it does not mean that i don’t hate it. I despise the drive. The only thing that makes it worth it is that i know i’m not unhappy at the job.

I’ve always dreamed of working for a fashion/beauty company – of course on the corporate side. Something like a L’oreal, Revlon, Gucci, Maybelline, etc. type company. It would combine my love of beauty and fashion with my academics. I know that if i try to look for a job in that field, i may be able to find it – but i’m afraid to take the plunge because that would mean starting over. Starting over with a new company, team, boss, and just another adjustment. I’m not sure i want to do that.

But then i think to myself – if not now, when? I’m only going to be this young, once. It’s the only time i can live my life for myself. I just don’t have the courage. I don’t have someone to push me into this deep end of the pool either – to give me the courage. It’s now all about ‘make sure you think it through’, ‘it’s a big decision’, etc. I am considering to start looking for some ‘fun’ jobs, and applying just to see what happens. But then i wonder – why?! Is it worth it? What if i get a call from these places and then interviews, and then an offer!? Would i take it?! What is the point to entice myself if i won’t ultimately take the new job!

Aside from the work aspect, my car accident has put me in a funk state of mind. I’m trying not to dwell on it too much, and it makes me hate driving even more than i did before. It’s in the back of my mind and is probably affecting me mentally in a way i cant see right now. Literally i love trains and public transport – unfortunately there is no method of using that to get to where i work currently. But i miss my train commuting days from college. I wish i could give up driving all together – or get a butler to drive me around forever (ha!). But neither are possible.

So now – here i am. I’m feeling a bit lost  with everything in life if you can’t tell already. I don’t even know how i’m really dealing with it or if i am at all – i’m quite good at suffocating my feelings, hiding behind a mask, and letting myself get to a breaking point. I have not even really discussed this with any of my friends / people my own age, who would be able to maybe give the best advice.

I am constantly feeling like i just want to take a break from life. Literally just check out – go somewhere – and not look back for at least a little while. It just seems like a dream, and not something i can turn into a reality though.

This is the current state of my mind. Any advice or tips would be much appreciated, in the comments below or shoot me an email. I think i may take a little break from the blog for a little while – not that i want to, because this has become my safe haven and i love it! But i don’t think i can produce good/creative content currently. I also think it may just help me focus on my real life and perhaps figure something out. I’ll still probably be on my Instagram a bit – so follow me there if  you don’t already.

See you guys in a bit. XOXO